Thoughts for 2009

We've all read the news reports. 2009 is forcasted to be a tough year. Even today, the headlines are of "wars, and rumors of wars." The economy is stumbling along. There is fear and anxiety coming at us from every direction and pressure to react to the panic that many of us feel. So I'm naming 2009 as the year of the mind. I want to improve my thoughts and behavior.

Here are ten things that I will be focusing on. The statements in quotes below are taken from "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer.

In 2009:

No longer will I believe that, “my future is determined by my past and my present.” Instead, I will learn from my past and work hard in my present to create the future of my dreams.

No longer will I require that, “someone do it for me; I don’t want to take the responsibility.” Instead, I will embrace the challenges of life and set goals that accomplish great things.

No longer will I ask to “please make everything easy; I can’t take it if things are too hard!” Instead, I will fight through the difficulties of life and achieve success.

No longer will I believe that, “I can’t help it; I’m just addicted to grumbling, faultfinding and complaining.” Instead, I will choose to be positive and encouraging.

No longer will I be selfish and say “don’t make me wait for anything; I deserve everything immediately.” Instead, I will be selfless with my time, with my money, and with my talents.

No longer will I believe that, “my behavior may be wrong, but it’s not my fault.” Instead, I will take full responsibility for my attitude and my actions.

No longer will I wallow in self-pity and believe that, “my life is so miserable; I feel sorry for myself because my life is so wretched!” Instead, I'll take responsibility for the joy in my life, the outlook of my mind, and the quality of my relationships.

No longer will I believe that, “I don’t deserve God’s blessings because I am not worthy.” Instead, I will choose to believe that I am loved by a perfect father. I am made in the goodness and likeness of His image.

No longer will I “be jealous and envious when everybody else is better off than I am.” Instead, I will choose to be content, I will be happy for the success of others, and I will work hard to improve the quality of my life.

No longer will I say that “I’m going to do it my way, or not at all.” Instead, I will value the opinion of others and seek the advice of wise counsel.

I hope these ten thoughts are meaningful to you and that your 2009 begins with a bang!

To Boldly Go...

Two and a half years ago, I was working for a different company then where I am today. My boss at the time managed his people using fear to drive behavior. He exaggerated his achievements to our corporate office. He expected constant praise and admiration and for everyone to go along with his ideas and plans. If you didn't comply, you were labeled. You had to be careful with him – he had a fragile self-esteem and was jealous of those in the company who were successful without his involvement. No one talked about it, but everyone knew who was “in” and who was “out.”

None of his direct reports ever lasted very long. He'd either get frustrated and fire them because they wouldn’t go along with every idea he had or they'd get sick of him and quit. Turnover of those people was high.

He had a direct negative impact on the company. Timidity ruled. The employees walked on eggshells afraid of who would be the next target. Most noticeably was the impact on sales. His personality created a spirit of uncertainty, doubt, and negativity within the sales force that worked against our success. Everyone knew it, but we weren't "allowed" to talk about it.

After years of working in this kind of environment, I was a mess. I allowed this man to take away my feeling of worth. I was discouraged, demoralized, and unsure of myself and my abilities. Finally, with the help of my wife and a good friend, I found the courage to start looking for another job.

I got lucky. A company that I had worked for in the past was hiring. This worldwide company is the best in its industry and run locally by a man who’s a professional in every sense of the word. He encourages his employees and empowers them to make decisions. He allows for mistakes. He accepts healthy criticism. He even apologized to me once for a situation when he thought I did one thing and in reality I had handled another. An apology! I was speechless...

I look back at the contrast between these two men and realize the impact a leader has on his people. My new boss goes out of his way to encourage me and build my skills and character. He is passionate about helping me become a better employee. He values me, and has taught me to value myself. He demonstrates confidence in me, and has taught me to be more confident. He demonstrates concern for problems I bring to his attention, and has taught me to be empathetic to the concerns of other employees and our customers.

He has taught me to boldly go… with a humble self confidence that comes from knowing the value he places on me as an employee.

I will never again work for someone like my former boss. I did not deserve to be treated the way he treated me. He did not deserve to rule with absolute authority and no accountability, leaving a trail of used and wounded employees in his wake.

To anyone currently in that kind of environment, I would encourage you to get away... a better life awaits...

Little By Little

Deuteronomy 7:22. “As you attack these nations, the LORD will force them out little by little. (Emphasis mine.) He won't let you get rid of them all at once--if he did, there wouldn't be enough people living in the land to keep down the number of wild animals.”

Five years ago, Marybeth and I decided we wanted to pay off all our debts including car loans, credit cards, a line of credit, and student loans. Then we added them all up and realized how long it would take. Time seemed to be our enemy. Even so, we started working our plan. On one hand, we were hopeful about the changes we were making. On the other hand, we battled discouragement as one year turned into two, two turned into three, then four, and then five. I have to admit that there were days that I would beg God to supernaturally step in and pay everything off. I’d get frustrated with His silence.

Life seems to be like this. We get confronted with super-sized problems or create for ourselves a super-sized mess. It’s like the Israelites who were surrounded by enemies when they entered the Promised Land. I’m sure they were afraid. I’m sure they wanted God to step in and wipe out those nations with one swift snap of His fingers. But God knew better. He knew that it was best to force their enemies out little by little.

Most of the time, life changes little by little. God always provides just enough. In our financial situation, we didn’t get $100,000 all at once. Instead, God provided a little here and a little there… and slowly our debts were paid off... little by little. If God had answered my prayer and brought Ed McMahon to our door, we’d have paid off our debts, but not learned our lesson. The “wild animals” – loans and credit cards - would have found their way back into our lives. Without learning how to be Godly stewards of our money and practicing Godly principles, we’d have gotten back into debt.

It’s never fun to wait. It’s hard to work day after day on something that will not be finished for many months or many years. But looking back, I realize God had better plans for me then I had for myself. The things I learn over time, change that occurs little by little, makes me stronger and better prepared for "life" that’s waiting just around the corner...

In the coming year I would like to hear my teenager say any two of these 10 things:

1. "Who needs to eat out? Let me make something."

2. "Dad, I sure could use a little advice."

3. "We won't need the car—we're walking."

4. "There's nothing to eat around here. I'll go buy something."

5. "You relax, I'll do the dishes."

6. "New movies aren't cool. Let's watch something old."

7. "Hey, I've been on the phone a lot. Why don't I pay the phone bill this month?"

8. "Is my music bothering you?"

9. "This is my room, but it's your house."

And finally, number ten... "Well, lookie there! It's 10 pm! I better go to bed!"

- Phil Callaway.

Spectator, Referee, or Coach?

I’m a football nut. Pretty soon we’ll be in the middle of the best games of the season… college bowl games and NFL playoffs. Maybe that’s why I thought about this analogy of parenting teens.

Are you a spectator, referee, or coach?

Many parents of teenagers act like spectators. They have an “up in the stands” view. They look down on the field from their 50 yard line seat... cheering when their kids wins and grumbling when their kid loses. They turn to the fans around them and brag about their team. Or they sit back and complain about all the things going wrong. But at the end of the game, they turn their backs on the field, get in their cars, and go home.

Other parents are like referees. Referees don’t really care about the outcome of the game. They just enforce the rules, blow their whistle at infractions, and walk off penalties. We might respect referees from a distance, but they don’t help the players learn. They just call out infractions.

Coaches are different. They're not up in the stands cheering or booing. A coach is down on the field, a key figure in the game, calling plays, making strategic decisions, motivating his team to victory. A coach doesn't just point out all that his players do wrong. He works with players, making sure they understand how to improve, and challenging them to do better. Maybe he's got to get in the player’s face. Maybe he's got to make them do push ups or run sprints. But whether it’s a game or a practice, he’s always down on the players’ level, eye to eye, face to face, running with them, sweating with them, laughing with them, getting his hands dirty.

A good coach is loved, admired, and respected by his players. He creates plays that will help his team win. He puts together a good coaching staff… people who help him teach his players the fundamentals and skills they’ll need to win. He cares about the men on his team. He studies them in practice and tirelessly watches film. He learns what each player needs to overcome their personal obstacles. He learns when to encourage, when to reward, and when to discipline.

It’s easy for a parent to be a ref. Rules are black and white. Infractions are easy to spot. A whistle is easy to blow and penalties are easy to enforce. Being a fan is even easier. Anybody can be a Monday morning quarterback, griping about how they’d run the team better or play the game better. But being a coach, accepting the responsibility of helping your teenager play the game of life, is a hard job. You’ve got to love your kid enough to get down on the field and be part of the game. You’ve got to put on the hat of a coach and help your player become a winner.

The Fear of Dancing Milk Cartons

I was with my three year old daughter a few nights ago in the grocery store.

Our family makes daily trips. It sort of bothers the “man” in me that I can find pretty much anything Marybeth asks me to get. I'm one of those husbands walking around with a list in hand. She's also discovered how easy it is to email my cell phone some things to pick up on the way home from work. What can I say… with six kids and a wife who does a lot of cooking, a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do.

Anyway, I’m walking up and down the aisles with my three year old and we’re getting close to the milk section. If you’ve been to a Harris Teeter, you know that they’ve got those singing/dancing dairy characters on top of the milk case. The big milk cartons and big yogurt guy. I guess to a toddler they can be intimidating. As far back as I can remember, our three year old has been afraid of them.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put your kids into situations that make them feel uncomfortable. It’s good for them to face challenges and overcome their problems and fears. As we were walking through the grocery, I decided we were going to tackle her fear of dancing milk characters.

So I told her what we were going to do. I reminded her that she was with her daddy, and that with me, she’s always safe.

We get to the milk. I push the button and step back so she can’t see me. The characters start to dance and sing. Her eyes get big and her body gets tense. Right at that moment, I leaned over close and whispered in her ear.

“You don’t have to be afraid when your Daddy’s with you.”

Right now I’m reading a book called “In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day” by Mark Batterson. The theme of the book centers around 2 Samuel 23. In verse 20 and 21, we read of a man who chased a lion into a pit filled with slippery snow, captured it, and killed it. The book talks about facing our fears and taking advantage of the “lions” in our life – situations that are presented to us as problems or things that we’re afraid to face. Benaiah, who killed the lion, two of Moab’s mightiest warriors, and a great Egyptian soldier, later became commander of the entire Israeli army. He overcame his fears and used adversity to create opportunity.

It’s counterintuitive to pray for uncertainty. Instead, I ask God for a “safe” life. I focus on keeping things from coming and rocking my boat. I work to get a nice house with a manicured lawn. A stable job with a big 401k. Kids who resemble me and think like me. But Jesus stands out in an open sea, beckoning me to have faith and come walk to him across the deep water. I tremble and stay seated in the boat praying that God would come and calm the storm.

But at what cost? What have I missed? I’m not complaining about my life. I’ve been very fortunate. God continues to provide for me and my family. I love my wife and kids very much and fall to sleep at night thankful to the point of tears for His provision and love and grace. But what opportunities have I missed because of my fears?

After the milk characters stopped their dancing and singing, my daughter turned to me with a big grin. “I’m not afraid anymore!” She smiled and laughed. We pushed the button a few more times and watched them dance and sing. I rejoiced in the silliest of things. A three year old who realized that dancing milk cartons aren't anything to be afraid of.

"I'm not afraid anymore." Those are the words that every father, even our Father in Heaven, hopes to hear.

Having A Kid (No not me!)

About three years ago, I got a funny bill in the mail. A collection agency sent a letter to our family saying we owed $300 on a hospital charge that was over seven years old. I called the company hoping to clear up the misunderstanding. At the time, Marybeth and I were struggling with our finances, but I knew we had no remaining medical debt. When I got a woman on the phone to ask about the bill, her explanation was vague. On top of that, she questioned my integrity. I hung up the phone and went on a mission to prove that I didn’t owe the money.

To make a long story short, I worked my way up different levels of people at our local hospital and finally got in touch with a guy who helped me out. He was a vice president of some sort, a nice guy who showed me a lot patience, and agreed it wasn’t right to try and collect on a seven year old bill that no one could prove I really owed. He sent the collection agency an official notice and copied me on the email. I forwarded his email to Marybeth to let her know that I had cleared it up. I included a sarcastic comment about the VP's last name being as odd as ours. (It was very unique.)

A few minutes later she came back with a reply. “I think I know that name. I’m not sure. But it rings a bell.”

With Marybeth, who has a memory like an elephant, when she says something like that, what she really means is that she knows the person. She just can’t remember how. She's like that. Many a time I've stood back at a distance while she's struck up a conversation with a long lost classmate. Me and the kids have a running joke that we "can't take mom anywhere!" (It's actually sort of funny to see the person's shock when they realize they're being approached by a former 5th grade classmate.)

Anyway, back to the last name and the email. I waited for the inevitable. A short time later it came.

“I figured it out. He married a good friend of mine from high school. I hope you were polite with him on the phone!” Within a few days, Marybeth reconnected with her old friend and laughed with her about what a small world it is. Since then, they’ve been keeping up with each other.

Anyway, all that for this. Marybeth and I went out on a date last night for my birthday. While we were waiting for our food, she started catching me up with stuff going on in her life. And she mentioned this friend and her family and tried telling me about something they’ve got going on. But she kept interrupting herself laughing at some unknown joke. Seems that this friend of hers went to her doctor because she was having some feminine issues. It turns out that she’s 9 or 10 weeks pregnant! They have three kids and thought they were years past the “done” side of the baby thing. Their lives are getting turned upside down!

I have to admit that listening to their story, I felt a small twinge of regret. Our youngest is now three. We’ve done the late night feedings, the sleepless nights, and all the other hard things that go along with having six babies! Finally, for the first time in sixteen years, we're not changing diapers… praise God halleluiah!

But if you were to ask me about my years as a father of babies, I wouldn’t tell you about all that. Instead, I’d tell you stories of first smiles and first steps. I’d tell you how their little heads smell so sweet. I'd tell you about holding them while they were sleeping and feeling a deep, powerful love that I'd never understood before.

I'd tell you about the joy and the miracle of creating a life. And the magic of watching that little miracle turn into your child, a little walking "you."

I’d tell you about how love multiplies… about how love grows deeper and more complete with each child you have.

And after telling you all this, I’d have to excuse myself. I wouldn’t want you to see the tears that were welling up in my eyes.

Other then meeting Marybeth, having six kids is the best thing that’s happened in my life. Being their dad has changed me into a better man. And even though I feel that God has called our family away from having more kids, I will miss it.

Good luck to you guys. God must think you're both very special people to give you such an incredible gift. I have to admit that I envy you.

I will be praying for you... for a healthy son or daughter (dare I say both? just kidding...) and look forward to meeting him or her soon.

Currahee

“Currahee… we stand alone together.”

I just finished “Easy Company Soldier,” the story of Sgt. Don Malarkey and Easy Company. Easy was part of the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment in the 101st Airborne Division, the Screaming Eagles and written about by the popular historian and author Steven Ambrose in his book and HBO miniseries “Band of Brothers.”

In “Easy Company Solider” Don tells of the many trials the men of Easy Company faced. I find myself powerfully drawn to the story of these men in a way that’s hard to explain or write about. When you read the story of these men, you find a bond between them that, honestly, I’m jealous of. I've lived most of my life with a "Marlboro man" mentality. Thinking I could make it through life alone without the input and friendship of other men has caused me a lot of harm.

I’ve learned that it’s not healthy to struggle through life on my own. I’ve come to value the friendships of good men… men who will help me when I struggle. Men who hold me to a high, Godly standard. Men I know who are fighting the same fight… fighting the same enemy. Men I can go to when I need help. Men who will pick me up when I stumble.

As I’ve read about the men from Easy Company, their time fighting in Bastogne seems to stand out as the hardest thing they faced. The company was unexpectedly carried to the front lines to fight the Germans in the Battle of the Bulge. It was the middle of winter with temperatures that were below freezing. They weren’t able to get winter clothing or even much ammunition.

As he struggled with the agony of living in such brutish conditions, conditions that caused many fellow soldiers to wound themselves to get out of the war, Don Malarkey tells of a poem that he recited to himself over and over… a poem about a man who never quits. I'm not a real big poetry guy, but I found these words inspiring and wanted to share them here.

I want to be remembered as a man who never quit...

“Invictus” by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.