Tuesday, July 29, 2008

A Work In Progress

Here's an admission. For the past eight years, I've gone off and on to a good Christian counselor. It's very helpful to be able to talk to a neutral party about "life" and get their outside perspective on what their professional mind shows them. Lately, life has gotten more stressful then normal and I've starting going again. I always leave with ideas and thoughts of things I can do to make my relationships better. I've got plenty of "me" I need to fix.

Lately I've been talking to him about my marriage. I'm the first to admit that it's hard. Marybeth and I have a good relationship - not perfect mind you by any stretch of the imagination - but good. Some days though you just feel angry and frustrated, and you have to work through issues that come up. Old wounds and past mistakes rear their ugly head and you have to go back and work through them.

Last night, I had some thoughts about what helps make our marriage go well. Again, I can't stress enough that Marybeth and I have our struggles. But for what it's worth, here's three things that I've found to be a critical part of developing and nurturing the love Marybeth and I have between us.

Most importantly, both husband and wife have to have "commitment." Sometimes "commitment" is something you feel good about. You enjoy your relationship with your spouse and do special things for them to demonstrate how you feel. But there are also times when you have to fight through the rough periods. You have to talk yourself through staying committed. There have been periods in our marriage when the only thing that kept us together was an absolute "commitment" to not getting divorced. We had to look across the table from each other as we struggled with some really tough feelings and committ to working through them. Marriage it sacrificially hard, and there are times when we've both struggled with anger, frustration, and love that seemed to be absent. During those times, we had to work to stay committed to the marriage, our kids, and each other.

Another thing that Marybeth and I have to continue to work on is "communication." My biggest challenge is to actually talk. I have a hard time communicating to her things that I feel inside and stringing words together that can make sense out of all my emotions. There are many times when I have to take a "time out" and let my mind process everything so I can explain to her how I really feel. This is hard for her because she likes to work through things right away. She's had to learn to give me the time I need, while I've had to learn that she deserves to know when we'll talk again. I can't take a 48 hour timeout. She deserves to have me get back within a reasonable amount of time.

Additionally, "communication" isn't always about speaking. I've also had to learn to listen to her... to absorb what she's trying to explain, let it sink in, and process it so that I really do understand her concerns. I have to remind myself that I'm not just waiting for her to finish so I can have my turn. I must remember that I have to be attentive to what she's saying.

"Communication" is also taking the time to talk. With so many kids, trying to fit in adult conversation gets really, really hard. If we try and talk about serious stuff with all the kids running around we just get frustrated with each other and with them. We have to make it a priority to schedule time to get off by ourselves. We'll talk about our schedules, go over our day to day and longer term finances, and try and talk through any marital issues we're having. The key is to do it when it's quiet and we're alone.

The final component to a healthy marriage is "compassion." I'm a hard person to live with. I have demands on myself that can get unfairly put on those around me. I fly around "life" doing all that needs to get done, and quite honestly, I don't like getting interrupted. I get in a zone, and can be a real jerk. I'm learning that being "compassionate" means that I see life through the eyes of my wife. I have to feel the hurt she feels when I make a mistake. I have to continue to remind myself of all that she has that she must do to run our home, and be more understanding of all she's responsible for.

To break it down even further, "compassion" is only real when it's demonstrated. She needs me to not argue when she wants to go off with friends. She needs to see me make every effort to get away alone with her. I'm learning to put aside all the things I want to get done and ask her how I can help her. I'm trying to be slow to express how I feel and quick to ask her what she's feeling. Getting out of my "zone" is hard, living more sacrificially stretches me, but doing so helps our relationship more then anything else I can do. Being "compassionate" is my biggest challenge.

Sunday night is our date night. We try and do it regularly, either going out to dinner, seeing a good movie, or just spending time talking. Some nights we're really geeky and go hang out at Barnes & Noble. This Sunday we went to one of our favorite resturants, an Italian place called Carrabbas's. As we were finishing up dinner, we looked over and both noticed an elderly couple raising glasses of wine and toasting something. What caught our attention was the look of love that passed between them as they sipped on their drinks and quietly chatted. We witnessed two old friends who had managed to survive the hell that life can become. They had made it to the shore and were enjoying their final days together as they waited for our great Captain to come and carry them through the mist and across the sea.

In that moment, I was reminded of the opportunity that God had given me; to spend the rest of my life with a woman that I can cherish. I was reminded that a marriage is something worth fighting for.

One day... maybe Marybeth and I, with wrinkles around our faces but twinkles in our eyes, will raise our glasses and toast the beauty that marriage can be.

Friday, July 25, 2008

God's Love

Last night I went in the room where my youngest two boys sleep to say goodnight. It was late but my eleven year old had been up reading. After a prayer, hugs, and a little joking around, I quietly stepped off the bunk bed and made my way back out of the room. Just as I was closing the door, I heard a cry from my six year old.

“Daddy!”

Normally he sleeps like a rock, but last night he got up and stood there in his pjs with outstretched arms.

“Daddy… hold me. I’m scared.”

You don’t have to ask me twice. I walked back over, picked him up, and held him in a big ‘ole daddy bear hug. We stayed that way for a few minutes, his tiny arms wrapped around my neck and his head laying on my shoulder.

“It’s ok little buddy, Daddy’s here. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

I held him and told him that everything was ok. I loved on him as he struggled with the demons that sometimes come and frighten us in the darkness of the night. A few minutes went by, and then I felt the soft rising and falling of a child who’s peacefulness in the arms of his daddy had put him back to sleep.

There are many beliefs about the kind of father God is. Some think He’s mostly absent. Some think He’s up in Heaven picking and choosing which of His children He’s going to love the most or give the most money to. There’s also the most popular; the fire and brimstone version who’s posted His list of rules and “damns ‘em all to hell!”

My personal opinion… I have more kids then your average dad, but I don’t love any of them more or less then the other. They are all unique; each one of them very special. I think God’s helping me learn how to be a more loving father because He wants me to understand His heart. He’s teaching me about His compassion as I learn to be more compassionate. He’s given me kids that I care for to teach me about how much He cares.

I think it’s hard to understand the perfect love God has for us. But I do know that He’s the kind of dad who comes running when we need him. He’s the kind of dad who steps into the darkness and finds us and holds us until our fears subside.

He’s the kind of God I desperately need.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

The Heart of a Winner

During a sales call Tuesday in Raleigh, I stumbled across the following. I thought it was good enough to share.

A winner sees an answer for every problem.
A loser sees a problem for every answer.

A winner has a program.
A loser has an excuse.

A winner says, “Let me do it for you.”
A loser says, “That’s not my job.”

A winner listens.
A loser is just waiting for his turn to talk.

A winner says, “I’m wrong” when he makes a mistake.
A loser says, “It wasn’t my fault.”

A winner says, “I’m good, but not as good as I could be.”
A loser says, “I’m not as bad as a lot of other people.”

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Escort To Danger


If you ever travel to downtown Wilmington, NC, you should take a few hours to visit the USS North Carolina. She’s a beautiful ship who served in WWII, and now rests at port, memorializing a unique time in our American history.

She was originally commissioned on April 9, 1941 and was the first of ten battleships built by the US for service during WWII. During the war, she was awarded 15 battle stars and participated in every major naval offensive operation in the Pacific Theater. Although fast and heavily armed with 16 inch guns, her most important advantage was her superior computerized fire control system. She could maintain a constant fire control solution even when steaming at her full speed of 27 knots.

She was designed as a new breed of battleship, and her actions in WWII helped establish the modern battleship’s role as primary protector of aircraft carriers. She patrolled the outer edge of a battleship formation, guarding and defending the important carriers against enemy submarines and planes. She was part of the outer ring of defenses that kept open supply and communication lines and allowed our marines to fight and our airmen to fly. Her orders were never glorious but she served well and is credited with saving the USS Enterprise during the horrific Battle of the Eastern Solomons. In one eight minute period, with seven enemy bombs exploding near the ship, the gunners of the USS North Carolina stood by their guns and shot down 7 – 14 enemy aircraft.

Something awoke inside of me the first time I visited that ship as a young kid. I walked across the deck and around the ship’s quarters and imagined being on board and out at sea smelling the salty air, hearing the sounds of the ocean, and feeling the ship rolling with the waves. There was something about the solitary life of a sailor that attracted me and I came very close to choosing that life. But something inside always held me back, and I like to think that God was whispering that He had something different for me to do. He knew that it wasn’t good for me to be alone. I would have gotten used to that life. I would have left this world without the family and friends that I’ve made. I would have remained alone and always been the mess that I become when I isolate myself.

And now, many years down the road, I’m beginning to feel something hardening inside of me. I feel God whispering my purpose into my soul and I’m learning to not only accept it, but to rejoice in it. I will follow after the example of that gorgeous ship and be an escort to those around me who have to navigate into danger. I will stay on the outer edge, protecting them from harm. I will defend my wife and children. I will fight for my pastor and other men and women of God who shout out their message of salvation and grace. I will support my boss and coworkers who fight the corporate battles of winning and losing. I will help the single mom who’s struggling to find her next rent check, or the confused teenager who rages against the unfairness of life. I will stand my ground and shoot down enemy planes. I will stand between the enemy and those I love and take the hit. I will not quit.

I can only imagine what those WWII veterans who served on the USS North Carolina must have felt as they watched their ship towed into port one final time and memorialized. I’m sure they remembered the men who sacrificed their lives, the battles they had won, and the fears they had felt as young kids facing destruction and death. I also know they must have felt the pride that comes from choosing to do what is hard. They stood up to their fears. They fought for their friends, for their loved ones, and for their country.

I also know they cheered. A warrior was coming home to rest.

Monday, July 14, 2008

The Protection of a Father

One of the things I love about North Carolina is the beaches. They're a magical place where life changes while you’re there. The worries and concerns of day-to-day living melt away in the hot summer sun and my mind fills itself with the sound of the waves and the smell of the sea. The pressures and demands that pull me in different directions are replaced by the pull of the water as I swim and play, body surf the waves, bury my feet in the sand, and play with my kids.

Marybeth and I recently got to spend four days with her sister at a beautiful home on the beach at Hilton Head. We only had three of our kids, our 15 and 13 year old, and our youngest – the “baby” who’s nearly three. The older two have cousins close to their age so they were mostly off doing their own thing. That left Marybeth and me with just our youngest, and we had fun getting to spend a lot of one-on-one time with her. Late mornings I got to take her to the beach where she would play in the water and dig in the sand. I sat beside her and laughed with her and let my heart do summersaults.

The last day we were there, my little girl and I decided to build a big sand castle. We dug and filled buckets and created our own little masterpiece. I worked until she was surrounded by fortified walls and towering ramparts. She had everything a little girl dreams of. She was a princess and I was her king, loving her and surrounding her with walls of protection.

I desperately wanted God to freeze that moment. There is something deep inside of me that wants to wrap my arms around my girls and hold them and keep them safe. I want to protect them from the things in life that come and hurt them and steal away their innocence. I want to cover them and deflect away the things that could harm them physically. I would do anything to save them.

I would die for them.

I'm not really sure I understood the Gospel until I started having kids. What I mean is that when my first child was born, I discovered a unique, powerful love that I had never felt or understood before I had kids. It's a feeling that's hard to describe. You look on these little creatures and feel them taking your breath away. You realize pretty quickly that you would do anything for them.

Becoming a father has taught me that God loves me the same way. I am his child and He has the same deep affection for me as I do for my own kids. He pursues me and wants a deep relationship with me. He sacrificed Himself on a bloody cross so He could spend all of eternity with me, and wants to laugh and play and enjoy me the way He did with Adam and Eve in the garden. It's so good that I find it hard to believe that it could be true. Yet it is.

This love is the best thing I can give my daughter. I can’t save her, but I can teach her about Jesus. I can't keep her from harm, but I can tell her about his saving grace. I can share with her my life and what he’s done for me. I can point her in the direction of the God who loves her in ways that even her father can’t match or truly comprehend.

That afternoon the tide came in and washed our little castle away. So it is with life. All of our man-made means of protection get washed away with time. I can't save my little girl, but I can lead her to Jesus and let her discover Him. With Him I know she is safe.

Monday, July 7, 2008

What A Family Needs From A Father

There’s a husband and father in the first chapter of Ruth that I must admit I resemble. As the book opens, we read of a man named Elimelech who was the husband of Naomi and father of two sons, Mahlon and Killion. They live in the city of Bethlehem, and we’re told that there is a severe famine. Elimelech is struggling to provide for his wife and sons. He watches them go hungry and must have wrestled with how to provide for their basic needs.

Elimelech decides to move his family to the country of Moab where things are better. I’m sure he thought he made a wise decision, but bad things happen. First, his sons marry Moabite women, something highly discouraged in the Jewish culture. Then Elimelech and his sons die. What he had hoped to avoid happens anyway, and his wife Naomi is now a widow, stuck in a foreign land surrounded by people who worship a different god. She is far away from her family and the community she would normally look to for help and support.

As a husband and father, I understand Elimelech’s decision. Caring for my family is always on my mind. Far too often, I only consider my family’s financial needs. I think of all the bills we have and the financial needs coming up like car insurance and college tuition. I tell myself that if I work hard and make a good income for my wife and kids then I’ll be able to provide all they need. I tell myself that I’ll have done a good job as husband and father.

But I think my biggest mistake is only focusing on my families’ financial needs. There are other things in life that are equally, if not more, important. My family doesn’t just need me away at the office. They need me around to talk to them and to support them. They need to see and feel their father care for them in ways that money can’t measure.

The story of Elimelech also reminded me that my family also needs to be in community. They need to be able to attend a church that teaches solid Biblical principles. My wife needs a network of Christian women who help each other day by day. My kids need friends who believe what our family believes. I need other men who know me, even the worst parts of me, and support me and help me work through problems. We need people around us who we can help when things are going right. And we need people around us who can help when things go wrong.

Elimelech’s almost brought his family to the brink of ruin. (God intervenes and saves Naomi and Ruth through a relationship with a man named Boaz.) I hope that I’ll always remember what Elimelech forgot.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Independence Day

One night in late December about five years ago, Marybeth and I sat in a parked car and had a serious talk about money. We were tired. Tired of being in debt. Tired of our finances being controlled by other people. Tired of dealing with companies who had everything but our best interest in mind. Tired of making minimum payments. Tired of watching our money work for other people. Tired of always worrying how we’d find the money to fix things when they broke. Tired of worrying about the lack of college funds for our kids. Tired of being enslaved to credit cards and car payments and Sallie Mae.

We sat in the dark and dreamed of a day when these companies would be out of our lives. Our hearts were crying for freedom.

For five long years we’ve watched every dollar. We fought our way out of a pretty deep hole. And so this past week marked a significant moment in our lives. For the first time in our seventeen year marriage, we are free from debt. It took years, but we’ve managed to pay off our college loans, credit cards, lines of credit, and car loans. We woke up yesterday morning, July 4th, the day our country celebrates freedom, with a newly discovered independence of our own.

I’m not sure I fully appreciate this new freedom. To be honest, I’m still in a state of shock. It seems to good to be true. I imagine our founding fathers felt the same. I pray that my children and all the generations of Whalens that come after us will understand the sacrifices that must be made for freedom. I pray they will follow in our footsteps and continue to fight for the gift of liberty.

Over the next few months, the magnitude of our accomplishment will set it. Except for our home, Marybeth and I have no more payments! We owe no one. We are free to do with our money as we choose.

Our country is going through difficult times right now. I know many families are suffering. As you read this, you might be thinking of your own personal situation and feeling the stress from the changes in our economy. My hope is that our story would encourage you to rethink your views of personal finance. I know you’re bombarded with advertisement from companies who want your money. Credit card offers arrive in your mailbox every day. You hear “Buy now pay later!” every other commercial. Getting credit in our country is easy to do, but the consequences can be disastrous.

And so I ask you, what would it be like if you had no payments? What could you do with your money if you too were debt free???? Marybeth and I did it. It took years and we had to make many sacrifices. You can do it too.