Goodbye to the Damn Yankees

Something has been bugging me. A few weeks ago I was running some errands with my thirteen year old daughter. I had some good music from the 80's playing on my iPod. (Yes, I’m an 80’s rock fan. Journey, Van Halen, Dokken, Kiss. Some pretty heavy duty stuff.) Earlier in the day, I had gotten on iTunes and purchased some songs from a band that I had forgotten all about called Damn Yankees.

So we’re driving down the road, the song’s blaring away, I’m singing along, joking with my daughter and suddenly the next few lines of one of their songs hits me like a ton of bricks.

“When I finally get my hands on you
Tell you what I'm gonna do
Lay you down, strip you bare
Make love to you till the morning comes around”

Strong words for a family blog. But this is what played in my car. And it really ticked me off that my daughter heard it.

I was mad at myself and embarrassed. I’m supposed to be her protector. Like it or not, she’s developing ideas about God and morality based on what she sees in me. She’s also developing a sense of what a godly man is like. Expectations about how a man will treat her are being set based on the behaviors she sees me model. She’s asking questions inside like “Is my father respectful of my mom and talk to her with kindness? Does my father stare at other women? Does my father cuss? Does he drink a lot? Does he help others?”

One minute I'm jammin' to a song from my teenage years not really caring much about what the song really said or the values of the musicians who recorded the music. The next minute I'm struggling with the embarrassment of what my daughter had just heard.

I’ve always told myself that I didn’t need to be all caught up in what’s “Christian” and what’s not. But the older my children get, the more I’m realizing that my choices matter. How can I talk to my kids about sexual purity but then listen to a song that’s got references like the one above? How can I talk to my kids about honoring God with my words but then go say things like “crap” and “frickin” and excuse it away like it doesn’t matter?

In 1 Corinthians 8 Paul talks about not eating meat sacrificed to idols because he doesn’t want to confuse a Christian who’s not as mature in the faith. He knows the meat’s not bad, but abstains from eating it because he doesn’t want to cause a younger Christian to stumble. I think that’s the role I have to accept as a father. If it were just me, I could listen to as much Van Halen, Dokken, and Kiss music as I wanted. It doesn’t affect my faith in Jesus Christ or my daily walk with my Father.

But verse 9 says, “You must be careful so that your freedom does not cause others with a weaker conscience to stumble.” Younger eyes are watching me. Younger ears are listening. I made a choice to be a father. God is asking me to model holiness the best way that I can. My job is to show my kids how to honor God with every breath that I take. My kids need to watch me struggle as I try and learn to capture every thought for Christ.

Like Paul, who says he’d never eat meat again if it were to cause another believer to stumble, I have to demonstrate to my kids what I believe. And that means tonight, when I get home from work, I’ll be deleting a lot of songs off my iPod.

Casting Stones

Marybeth and I were visiting with some friends at their home a week ago having dinner. They'd recently put a rental home on the market and told us that a new tenant was going to come over and sign a rental agreement. They warned us that this new tenant would be bringing his "partner."

The tenant and his partner arrived an hour later to sign the papers. We were in the middle of dinner and our host invited them to join us at the dinner table. They stayed for about 45 minutes and we all talked about their move to Charlotte, what they do for a living, etc. One of the guys has worked in the publishing industry most of his career and talked with Marybeth about our upcoming financial book. As this guy was leaving, he wrote down his name and number and offered to help Marybeth with any other questions that she and I might come up with.

On our way home, Marybeth and I talked about what it was like to sit and spend time with two men who had a relationship the way these two men did. It was a new experience for us. She and I both observed the same thing. You could tell that there was a strong affection between the two. They had been together for years. Both men were extremely nice and respectful to us even after hearing that we practice a faith that disagrees with their lifestyle choice.

As we drove, she and I talked about our upbringing and how people of our faith view men like these men. We talked about labels and how Christians are so quick to condemn. It's so easy to get up on a stage or a pedestal and throw homosexuals into the flames of hell and we're quick to do it.

But as we were sitting there talking with these men, we had such different feeling. Instead of condemning, we wanted to reach out to them. Not to change them, but to invite them. We wanted to invite them into our community, to invite them into our church. Instead of pushing them away as we'd been taught in our past, we wanted to draw them in and demonstrate to them the love Christ has for them.

And that's what I'm learning this faith is all about. It's what Christ did. He didn't spend his three years on the earth wagging his finger at the sinners of the day. He used strong language at times, but most of his ministry was spent reaching out. He surrounded himself with the worthless and the hopeless. He lifted up an adulterous woman out of the dirt and covered her with new life. He met a Samaritan woman thirsty for hope and gave her the gift of a savior. He brought an immoral tax collector into his inner circle and taught him to love. He touched the heart of a leper and healed his soul.

He commanded the disciples to take care of the crowds instead of trying to"send them away." He challenged the righteous and pompous to look inward before casting their stones.

His last act, as he hung breathless and dying on a cross, was to demonstrate compassion.

I feel asleep that night feeling sad for men like those I met at our friends. Sad that the church is so condemning. Sad that the message is, "change and then you'll be welcome." Christ was just the opposite.

He went out of his way to demonstrate deep, rich love.

If we claim to follow Christ, shouldn't we do the same?

Becoming Debt Free

"Character is following through on a good decision after the excitement of making the decision has passed."

I read this quote today in a book called "Customer Mania!" by Ken Blanchard. One night four years ago, Marybeth and I were sitting in our car talking about Christmas presents for our kids. I don't remember how it came up, but that night, we decided to quit ignoring the obvious financial problems we were having. We committed to becoming "debt free."

For a few months we feed off the excitement of our decision. We were going to make a difference in our lives and the lives of our family. We celebrated cutting up our credit cards. We talked about the day when we'd kick Sallie Mae out of the house! The emotions of making change carried us day to day.

But then things started getting hard. We were hit with problems with my income. Things broke down and needed to be replaced. Our kids suffered when we had to choose between our commitment to debt freedom and things they wanted to do like play sports, go to movies, or buy trendy (non-used!) clothes.

To be honest, many nights I went to sleep feeling very inadequate as a provider. I wanted to throw in the towel and go back to my old patterns of managing money. Fortunately, Marybeth and I were learning to communicate about money without yelling at each other. We were able to support each other during the hard times. I would get down and she would lift me up with words of encouragement and respect. Then she would get frustrated and I would be the one to help her through difficult periods with love and tenderness.

God also carried us. We never went hungry. He always provided the things we needed. Just enough money would come our way to fix things when they broke down. I learned through the process of paying off our debts that God loves me more then I ever understood and wanted to help me. He's my Father...

As I post this, I'm looking at my bank statement online. So much has changed in the past four years. We just paid off our last credit card. One more car loan to go and we'll be debt free! God has used this long process to teach me the value of fighting for something of value. He's taught me to endure. To not quit when things get hard.

So for the family who's facing financial problems... take heart. If Marybeth and I can slay this dragon, anyone can. Nothing is harder then making the decision to become debt free. But nothing has been more rewarding. Keep up the fight!

A Man Called "Pop"

I don't know whether to laugh or cry about this.

My wife and I can't go on a date without stopping at the grocery store or Target to pick up a few items we need before we head home. It's turned into a joke really... "Wait! We can't go home. We've not been to Walmart yet!"

This past Sunday night we had to stop at Target. I was grabbing a pack of razors when I noticed a bottle of Old Spice aftershave. It made me think of my Grandfather. My Dad's dad. We called him 'Pop.' Back in "the day" he was tough (like when you think about Johnny Cash tough.) Pop drove an eighteen wheeler for 40 years and put five kids through college. He traveled all over our country. You could be lost just about anywhere and Pop would be able to help you find your way home. He had learned all the fastest routes and knew how to avoid all the speed traps. One of the things that I remember from his funeral was hearing that Pop retired without ever having an accident on company time.

I never knew the “tough” side of Pop. My memories of him are more of a gentle old man who did things like drive the church van to pick up the widowed ladies. I can still see him sitting in his rocker in his den. My family would travel to Memphis for Christmas and he'd spend most of the evenings rocking away watching all the grandkids running around.

One time when I was about 12 or 13, he called me over to him. The memory of what he said has stayed with me for over 25 years. "Curt," he said. "Of all of my grandkids, you're the only boy with my last name. I'm proud of you and want you to know that it's going to be up to you to keep our family name going."

All this came flooding back to me as I stood on the razor isle in Target. Pop would keep a bottle of Old Spice in the guest bath in their house. It's smell will always remind me of him. I picked up the bottle and took it home, and for days have thought about my memories of him and of my younger years. I've gotten to know more about him after he passed away and have learned about a man who worked through his mistakes and finished his life strong. He was given a new life in Christ and built that life on solid ground.

And now I find myself on a journey down life's road. I'm following in the footsteps of my Father and Grandfather. At times I find myself worn out. Some days I feel all alone and lost. But the memories of my grandfather flood my mind and remind me that someone who loved me traveled ahead and fought for me. He left behind his map. He made sure I could find my way. Thanks Pop. I love you and miss you.

I'm following you home.

Five Biblical Principles for Handling Money

I was listening to a Dave Ramsey podcast and heard him outline five key ways of looking at money through a Biblical lens. It was a great summary so I thought I'd share.

1. Get out of debt. Proverbs 22:7 says, “The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower becomes the lender's slave.”

Marybeth and I have found that anytime you owe someone money, you are at their mercy. When we were in debt up to our eyeballs, we both felt like we were owned by the people who were our creditors. What we’re discovering as we’re paying our debts off is that there is a freedom in knowing you don’t owe anyone anything. We’ve been able to reclaim our lives and use our money how we want it to be used.

2. Have a written game plan. (A b... b…b…b… budget!) In Luke 14:28, Jesus asks who would begin building a tower without first counting the cost to make sure there was enough money to finish. One of the most important things you need is a well thought out budget.

Marybeth and I didn’t see real financial change in our lives until we got serious about creating and sticking to a budget. (How do you hit a target if you can’t see what you’re aiming for?) First we had to work together to create it. I had to listen to what she needed to run the house. It was also very important that we communicated during the pay period to make sure we were keeping on track.

3. You have to save money. Proverbs 21:20 says that “In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and oil”

I’ve been a horrible “saver” all my life. I’ve not developed the habit. Marybeth on the other hand has always asked me to build up an emergency fund. She wanted to know that we had money in the bank we could use when we needed. When I let God speak to me through my wife and started to save, I immediately realized how foolish I had been over the years. People who save money get ahead. People who spend it fall behind.

4. Live on less then you make. Proverbs 21:20 goes on to say that “a foolish man devours all he has.”

Another bad habit that I’ve let run my financial life has been that my lifestyle always matched my income. My outgo always equaled my income. I never appreciated that to get ahead financially, you have to learn to live on less. Don’t spend all your raise, put part of that monthly increase in savings. Don’t spend all the commission check. Put some into an investment. As Dave says, “Live like no one else today” (by saving rather then spending!) and one day, “you’ll live like no one else.” One day, you’ll retire with dignity.

5. Be a giver. Throughout the Bible, we find that our God is a giver and He wants his children to learn to love to give.

This is the best part. I love to help others. When you model the first four principles in your life, you’ll find that you have the money to give to those in need. You can give to your church, give to the window in need, and help the helpless.

We Bring You A Marriage Moment...

So I was getting ready for work this morning minding my own business when my wife-with-the-still-broken-foot told me she needed "supplies"... sigh. I've been able to avoid this for 17 years of marriage. Marybeth laughed and said she'd give me a permission slip.

Of course the aisle at Walgreens where the "supplies" were located just so happened to be the aisle that the store employees were stocking...

And of course when I was checking out I ran into a guy I know...

"What's up Rick."

My lowest moment was a toss up between either hearing the middle aged lady employees on "that" aisle whisper something and snicker, or when the guy behind me in the checkout line, glancing over my handful of "supplies," said,

"Looks like this is a family run."

Age, Wisdom, or Maturity

Every so often when Marybeth and I are talking about our church, we’ll get the comment, “I don’t see how you could go to a church where the preacher’s so young!” I’ll admit, even though our Pastor is very knowledgeable and a powerful speaker, it took me a few months to get used to being taught by someone 14 years younger then me. But here’s what I’ve learned.

There’s a difference between someone who’s old, someone who’s wise, and someone who’s mature.

The older I get, the more I’m discovering that age alone doesn’t make someone smart. (Some days I feel like I’m living proof of that.) Age alone doesn’t mean that a person has the experience or the knowledge to help me in my circumstances.

While someone can get old and not become any smarter, time can make someone wise. I’m a wiser man then I was 20 years ago. I’ve made mistakes but have learned from them. I’ve had life experiences, have read books, and met men who have shared their stories and insights. All of these things over time have helped me grow and develop.

While age is something we can’t control and wisdom is developed by educating oneself over time, maturity is a choice we can make every day.

Maturity is recognizing that you don’t have all the answers. Maturity is surrounding yourself with people to help you. Maturity is making yourself read books to learn and to grow. Maturity is making sacrifices for the life you want 20 years from now, not living in the pleasure of the moment. Maturity is learning to shut up and listen. Maturity is making yourself accountable to other people who watch over you and kick you in the butt when you need it.

Maturity is being selfless and kind. Maturity is serving others. Maturity is choosing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. It takes time and practice to become successful demonstrating these characteristics. Every single day we get to choose whether we want to try.

Maturity is a sign of strong character. A man who has strong character will grow in wisdom and succeed in life.

Every single time.

Great Is Thy Faithfulness...

I’ve been avoiding this post for a long time. Why is it us Christians cover our butts and hide the things in our lives that we’re ashamed of? I’m guilty of it. My pride keeps me from telling you about the ugly parts of my life.

But if the power of the Gospel is measured by it’s ability to change us from the inside out, shouldn’t we share our stories? Shouldn’t we tell others of Christ reaching out to us in our darkest moments? Isn’t Christ most glorified when his children tell the stories of their Father loving and accepting them at their worst?

I’ve been asking myself these tough questions. My church is in the middle of a series called “Breakout.” In a nutshell, it’s about Christians breaking away from things that hurt our relationship with God. This Sunday’s message is titled “Porn Like You’ve Never Seen It Before.” Michael Leahy, a recovering porn addict whose story caught the attention of the national media, will be speaking. The courage of my church to confront this epidemic has given me the courage to let you know of God’s faithfulness in my life.

Warning… the following is not for the faint of heart.

I can still remember the day clearly. I was 10 or 11 and at a friend’s house. Both his parents worked and his older brother was gone so we were all alone. Out of the blue he asked if I wanted to see something his dad had. We went is his parent’s room. He reached under their bed and pulled out a men’s magazine. My heart pounded as we flipped through the pages. In that instant, I discovered another world; I was being led through a doorway that opened into a land of secrets and beauty.

My life changed that day. Over the years, I found more and more material to feed my craving for the images in those magazines. I would baby-sit for a few families in my parent’s neighborhood and find magazines hidden under beds and in dressers. I house sat one weekend in high school and discovered stacks and stacks of Playboys. I spent decades hiding a secret that slowly eroded my self worth but which cried out “MORE.”

I thought marriage would help, but it wasn’t a magic pill. My wife was fighting a battle against thousands of images of airbrushed women. The internet made my addiction more accessible and led to deeper and darker problems. I was a Christian man struggling with pornography.

Years of this tumultuous issue in our marriage led to a confrontation in 2000. My two worlds collided in a night of anger and heartache. I was told that I had to make a choice. I then spent years unpacking all the lies with a counselor and other men who shared the same struggle with pornography.

There was no instant healing. I struggled with letting go. I had come to rely on my sin for many things including medicating pain in my life. I had to accept that I had an addiction. I had to accept that it was wrong. I had to learn what boundaries meant. I had to humble myself and let others know of my problem. I had to give other people control of my life. I had to get help safeguarding myself from the dangers of my sin. There were (are) days when Marybeth deals with a lot of anger directed at me (rightfully so). But she has taught me of God’s great grace-filled love. She has wrapped her arms around me and taught me that love doesn’t abandon or get go. She’s taught me that love is knowing someone’s ugliness and making a choice to forgive, even when love is undeserved.

Years after that night in 2000, I still have to work hard at keeping my life pure. I’ve not always made the right choice. Even now, I’m always one decision away from making a mistake. I have to keep practical safeguards in place. Addictions never really go away. To defeat them, a person has to learn the difference between a short term “fix” and long term love. Then you have to choose.

I have to make that choice everyday and am fortunate that God has helped make it easier. But there are still times in life when my past haunts me. Days when I’m afraid of the man in my memories who wants to catch up with me. I hurry away, stealing glances over my shoulder, trying to lose him in the crowd.

Maybe it’s the curse of the prodigal as he tries to find his way home down unfamiliar and alien roads. We stumble along trying to get away from all that would steal our soul and destroy us. I am the prodigal, afraid of the man inside. I’m running away from my past, trying to keep my eyes fixed on the horizon. Trying to get home.

Last year, our church had an Easter egg drop on the Saturday before Easter. It’s an event with a carnival atmosphere designed to draw in people from the surrounding community. It was freezing cold and the wind cut through you, but the whole thing was a blast.

I went early to volunteer and was asked to set up the jumping stations. Most of what I did was pound big steel tent spikes into the ground to hold the jump stations in place. The metallic ‘clang of the mallet against the spike rang in my ears over, and over, and over. After swinging the mallet so many times, a blister on my hand popped and started to bleed. I started thinking of Jesus on the cross. My mind’s eye drew back and I pictured myself from a distance. But it wasn’t me. I was watching a Roman soldier kneeling on the ground swinging his mallet. With each “clang,” another spike was driven into my Christ. Each swing of the mallet represented another memory of my past that helped nail Jesus to the cross. My hands ached and burned and bled in the cold while I thought of his pain and suffering.

The hardest part was seeing Jesus lying there willingly. Sacrificially. Looking at me. I could hear him telling me that it’s ok. That it’s something we had to do. To drive the spikes in. To take my old life – my struggles and pains and addictions – and drive them into him, to attach them to him, one swing at a time.

A God that loves you that much doesn’t let you walk alone. He’s with me on this road to recovery, keeping watch during dark nights, protecting me. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me.” He whispers to me from His Word and comforts me. He helps me up with I stumble in the dark. He holds me when I’m weak and unable to take another step. He carries my burdens when the weight of life is crushing my spirit.

He loves me and that love is more valuable then life itself. His love gives me strength. His love helps me fight another day.

My hope is that the story of God’s love and forgiveness in my life will help another man who’s caught up in a struggle with sin. If we were sitting face to face, I would tell you of God’s hope. I would share with you all that He’s done for me. You would hear that change is possible. You would hear of forgiveness.

You would hear of amazing grace… how sweet the sound… that saved a wretch like me…

No matter how far you’ve run away, God has never quit pursuing you. When you turn around, you’ll find Jesus right behind you, holding out his nail scared hand, ready to walk with you back home.

Don’t Be Afraid

There’s a short verse in the fifth chapter of Mark that I carry with me everyday.

Jesus is approached by a father whose daughter is deathly ill. He wants Jesus to come to his home to heal his little girl. The father is filled with grief, falling at Jesus’ feet and pleading “fervently” with him to come.

We've all faced desperate situations. We’ve all been paralyzed by fear. We’ve all pleaded with Jesus. Eight years ago, I was standing in the doorframe of a hospital room watching doctors and nurses trying to help my ten year old son, then two. He couldn’t breathe and they couldn’t get him stabilized. I stood there and begged God to reach down and touch my son's throat. This New Testament father was no different. Faced with a hopeless situation, a Father came to Christ for help. But as they were walking back to his home, the Father is told the worst. A servant approaches to tell him that his daughter has died.

In our darkest moments, hope can break through. Jesus grabs this heartbroken father's shoulders, looks him in the eyes, and speaks into the deepest part of his soul.

“Don’t be afraid. Just believe.”

I go to that verse a lot. When my teenage son acts like he hates me and wants nothing to do with his family, “Don’t be afraid, just believe.” When my wife and I aren't getting along and are fighting over stupid little things, “Don’t be afraid, just believe.” When my office’s sales have dipped and my general manager calls me in for a meeting, “Don’t be afraid, just believe.” When the bills have stacked up, things are breaking down, and I’m struggling with staying current, “Don’t be afraid, just believe.” When everything seems to be going wrong and I feel alone.

“Don’t be afraid, just believe.”

It’s not easy for me to follow that instruction. My mind goes in 1,000 different directions and I worry about many things. I want to wrap my arms around my wife and children and protect them from harm. I want my teenage son to find success as he begins to make his way in a tough world. I want to bring the big purchase orders and best accounts back to my company and propel us to excellence. But somewhere along the way, I’ve lost the innocence and eternal optimism of youth. I have watched good people, good men, good families get devastated by life. I learned how little control I really have.

And at times I get scared.

But Christ’s words burn in my mind. I grab them and hold them close to my heart. Over and over again, I hear Him saying these words of comfort, hope, and protection.

“Don’t be afraid, just believe.”

Parenting Teenagers, Part 2

Marybeth and I have found that raising teenagers is so different then raising younger kids that it’s hard to compare the two. We honestly thought we’d be prepared, but the reality of raising a teen has been shocking. My biggest struggle has been trying to change my parenting style. Young kids need firm boundaries to keep them safe and to make them feel safe. Teenagers need most (not all) boundaries removed. When they make a poor choice, they need to learn that there are real life consequences that come from outside of mom and dad. As a parent, I've had to let go of control and stand by as my teens makes their own choices.

Things began to become really hard two years ago when our oldest turned 13. Our interactions would escalate into confrontations. I would end up furious. I took everything as a personal attack of my position as "Father." Our relationship started getting better when I read a book called “Raising Teens With Love and Logic.” What I learned (still learning) was that I had to begin radically rethinking how I interacted with my son by removing “me” from the "consequence equation."

For example. A year ago, my wife and I did what all parents of teens do. We put our oldest on the family cell phone plan. There were conditions that went along with it. It wasn’t supposed to be used for just random talking and burning minutes, chatting, or using it after 10 p.m. He and I proceeded to go round and round for a year as I would catch him disregarding these basic things. His bill would be bigger then expected and I would have to keep bugging him about paying me back.

At some point along the way, it dawned on me that we were having a disagreement over how a luxury item should be used. (I don’t believe that a cell phone is a necessity for a teenager.) I changed the dynamics of the situation by taking "me" out of the equation. I went to Target and bought him a nice prepaid phone with 200 minutes on it. From this point forward, he has two options. One, to not use a cell phone, or two, he can spend his own money to buy minutes. I don’t mind him having a cell, I’m just not paying for it any more. If he doesn’t work and earn the money to load the phone, he doesn’t get to talk.

Another problem has been late hours. Teens want to stay up until all hours of the night, even on school nights. After months of battling over bedtime, I came up with an idea. One night, after my couple of warnings about lights out at 11:00, I heard his X-Box still playing at 11:17. I went out and turned off the breaker that serves his room. (I found his exact breaker earlier in the day.)

I’ve also don't believe in supporting a teenager financially. I'm not talking about food and clothes, but things like movie money and going out to eat money. We’ve always had an allowance type system in our home (I call it commissions) but one day my oldest son and I discussed how he was going to have to start finding opportunities to earn his own money. I might come up with some projects that I would pay him to do, but I told him that he and I needed to come up with some ways for him to earn money outside of our home.

There were difficult moments when he had to come to understand how serious I was. His friends would go to Chick-fil-A and I wouldn’t give him any cash. A friend would ask him to the movies but he wouldn’t have the money to go.

This parenting style is tough to learn and use. I bounce back and forth between being the "drill sergeant" parent that demands obedience and the "helicopter" parent who comes in and rescues my kids from uncomfortable situations. (I.e., giving my teenage son cash when his buddies are going out.) I struggle with anger when my teens doesn't obey me and (because of my deep love for them) hurt watching them struggle. But as hard as this can be, I know that facing "real life" consequences for poor choices is teaching them valuable lessons.