The Beginnings of Goodbye

Today my wife and I did something that we've been looking forward to and dreading at the same time. We put our home on the market. It was a hard decision. We've lived here in our quiet little 2,100 square foot house with six kids for seven years now, and it truely has become a home. It's an old house with lots of big trees in the yard. Pines and oaks and maples. Our friends from the flat, hot neighborhoods come over and always have the same comments about it being quiet and peaceful. And we've raised our family here. Our oldest has grown from a boy to a man in this house. (He likes to remind me that he's taller then his daddy. Course he still can't take me.)

Financially this home has been a blessing as well. We got a great deal when we bought it and have slowly updated it, adding to it's value. (I could tell you a funny story about an "extreme home makeover" weekend and some really good friends.) Having a low mortgage payment has been very helpful as my wife and I have struggled to work our way out of debt.

But with our oldest starting high school next year, we've had to admit the obvious. We're cramped! So we've been running numbers and searching online to see what we could afford and decided to take the plunge. The trick now is to keep ourselves from overbuying. You can get approved for crazy home loans these days. And I know that we'll be tempted by big homes with lots of bedrooms and fancy extras. But that would come with a whopping mortgage payment. So far, following the Dave Ramsey plan has really paid off (no pun intended) and I'm going to do all I can to make a wise financial purchase. That means fixed rate mortgage with a payment equal to 25% of my take home pay. I'd really like to get a 15 year loan instead of 30, but with six kids, we have to have a certain size house. When you do the math with a 15 year loan to determine what we'd be able to purchase, the houses just won't work. Real estate in Charlotte has gone nuts in the past year.

One thing for certain, I've learned to enjoy having extra money in the budget to do things other then make a big house payment. God has blessed our family and we've been able to give to our church, save some, set up a commission plan for the kiddos (yeah, they have to work to earn it!), and pay cash to have stuff repaired instead of running up more debt! So we gotta stay rational.

The search begins... excited about where we could end up, but a little catch in the throat thinking about leaving a home we've grown to love. It'll be a sad goodbye. There were some good times here.

And by the way, if you happen to be looking for a really nice home in charming Matthews, NC....

Through Painted Deserts

I'm reading "Through Painted Deserts" by Donald Miller. A friend of mine knows that I love Miller's books and found out that I hadn't read this one yet. They gave me one of their two copies. (Thanks MC!) "Blue Like Jazz" is one of those Christian books that doesn't read like it came from the top ten shelf at a Lifeway Christian bookstore - a necessity for me to pick it up and read it. Miller's books are richly unique and help me see a perspective of life outside my quiet, southern, Bible belt home here in Charlotte. I felt a form of freedom after finishing it. More at peace with myself. Changed.

So I'm reading "Through Painted Deserts" and came across this quote.

"Life is more than clothes and cars and a new flavor of toothpaste... it is community and creation and beauty and humanity. And I think I am starting to prefer the latter to the former; by that I mean I am getting used to not having any music or television and not pulling over and buying something as a way of feeling some kind of change. There is a serenity in life, after all, and once a withdrawl is felt at having left the lies behind, a soul begins to feel at home in its own skin."

I think one of the hardest parts of being a Christian is leaving the lies behind. The lie of moving up the ladder just to have more money, the lie of needing a monster house, the lie of new cars, and new clothes and eating out at resturants all the time.

There's also the parent lies. The lie that as a parent the most important thing is building up your child's self esteem. The lie that every child is meant to be a sports star and should be practicing five days a week. The lie that the child should be the focus of the home.

Then there's the lie of relationships and of sex and of what's considered beautiful by our society.

Or how about the lie of our Americanized view of masculinity and the behavior of men in our culture? Or the lie of the unimportance of fatherhood?

Do you see how these things which are considered normal and important by our society are contradictory to what's taught in scripture? We're like the frog who was put in the pot of water and then sat there as the temperature was slowly raised a degree at a time. Before you know it, the water's boiling, the frog never realized that the temperature was being raised, and now is cooked. We're sitting in the pot of water and are so indoctrinated by a worldly view of what's considered normal that we don't realize how different God wants our lives to be.

It seems that with each passing day, to be a Christian in our westernized culture means to swim against the current. It can be tiring. But I'm learning that I can turn away from all the lies and look into the heart of the God who created me and learn to value what He values and love what He loves. And what I'm finding is that while our culture tells me that I can never measure up to their impossible standards, my Father loves me for who I am. And after welcoming me back and wrapping his arm around me to hold me a bit, he pulls away and starts pointing out all the beauty in life that I had been missing.

Drifting Towards Isolation

It may surprise you that a father of six would say that he’s spent most of his life alone.

But I have. Or at least felt that way. I learned early in life how to keep everyone at arms distance. I told my wife one time when we were dating that I couldn’t handle our relationship any longer. I was meant to live the life of a character in a Jimmy Buffet song. Sail the seven seas. Look for answers to questions that bothered me so. Or join the Navy. See the world. All alone.

Even the memories of me and my father are fuzzy and stored in my mind like an old 8 mm home movie that your grandparents made you watch. The past surfaces and I see a young five year old hiking with his father in the mountains. But the memory is brief, then fades away and is gone.

My wife says that our five year old looks just like me at that age. I watch him and see myself 34 years ago and pray that God would let me step through time to talk to that little boy.

Six years ago, a counselor asked me, “Who raised you?” and the only answer I could come up with was, “Myself.” I’ve been thinking about all this ever since. Maybe my “alone-ness” is the sad truth about divorce. A husband and wife leave each other and destroy the life they created. Our culture says that you can manage the consequences of this, but from a child’s perspective, you really can’t. My world was torn apart and my sister and I watched our parents as they went off to create new lives for themselves. Kids from divorce are like the moon, always circling in orbit around the new world their parents create but never allowed into the warmth of the new home. Our parents shatter our lives and we lose the atmosphere that’s supposed to hold in the warmth that causes love to grow and blossom.

Course, maybe the honest truth is that I didn’t want to be a part of their new world. There was too much anger and hurt and bitterness.

I carried all these feeling and confusion into my own marriage. It’s been hell on my wife as she’s struggled to be in a relationship with a man who drifts towards isolation. Us guys don’t do the relationship thing well to start with and I’ve added dimensions to the problem that nearly caused our own divorce.

Maybe that’s why this morning was so shocking.

I’ve never been a morning person. I love getting up early, but want a quiet house and hot coffee and whatever book I’m reading. There has been more then one occasion when I’ve been rude to her or one of the kids who've gotten up and interrupted that time.

But this morning when I realized she was up, I got my book and crawled back into bed next to her and laid there in the warmth of our relationship. We didn’t really speak, didn’t need to. It was just very comforting to me to have her next to me.

Companionship is something that I’ve grown to need, love, and cherish. And real companionship gets better with time.

That's what I'd say to the husband who's given up on his marriage and looking at other women. Or buying the lie of pornography. Don't listen to the voice in your head that comes from the one who wants to kill, steal, and destroy. The prince of darkness wants you to believe that your marriage is dead. He wants you to walk away from your bride. He's telling you that the woman you're seeing is better for you and that she'll understand things about you that your wife never could. The evil one wants to steal your hope and destroy your life.

But the story of my marriage is one of renewal. The shining light of hope can break through the darkness of our lives. We belong to a God who raises the dead heart back to life. He can breath His breath of life back into the soul of our marriages and transform our hearts.

Nothing is better then a life with a woman who loves you and cares for you. Don't walk away from her. Turn back to your bride and learn to love her well. Steal her away and help her discover her beauty. Grab her hand and take her on the adventure of this life.

You could spend the rest of your time making the journey home together.

First Time Obedience or Some Things I Don't Believe In

For the person who asked me about “First Time Obedience”, here are my thoughts. I used the term, but please know, I’m NOT a proponent.

First off, I love homeschooling our kids. I passionately believe in many of the benefits that my wife and I have seen in our kids because of homeschooling. But there are a few things that people in the homeschooling community embrace that don’t sit right with me. “FTO” is one of the biggest.

I first heard the term “FTO” about ten years ago at a homeschool “Dad’s Night Out” where it was the speaker’s topic. With “FTO,” you are teaching your child to obey without question the first time you as the parent give them a command. (Yes, I chose that term purposefully.) “FTO” experts state that you “set your young toddler up to fail.” You wait until your child is engaged in something. Then you give your child a command. But your young two year old will be so wrapped up in the activity that they won’t obey. You then discipline the child (spank) for not obeying. You repeat this process over a period of days or weeks until the child is listening for your voice and obeys immediately.

Now, before I go further, let me say this. Do I want my children to obey the first time? Of course I do. If my five year old is running away from me in a parking lot and I see a car backing out and call for him to immediately “STOP!” would I want him to do it? Absolutely. If I ask my fourteen year old to take out the trash, do I want him to do it without complaining? Absolutely. So on the surface, I agree with the desired outcome – immediate obedience.

My problem is the method.

Children obey either because they fear their parent, they love their parent, or they feel a healthy mixture of both. Children that obey because of fear eventually rebel out of anger. They eventually just don’t fear the parent any longer, and are left with a mixture of anger and hate. Children that obey because of love eventually rebel and do wrong because they realize how attractive sin can be and have no fear of the consequences. A simple example is a child and a cookie. When their desire for the cookie gets stronger then their love for the parent who told them “no,” they take the cookie. They aren’t afraid of the consequences if they’re caught. And what happens when that child grows up into a teen and realizes how attractive worldly desires can be?

I’ve found with my kids that you have to raise them with a healthy balance of love and fear. Love is the more important of the two. My kids have to know that I love them deeply and that I’m a safe place for them. I have to pour my love into them regularly.

But loving them also means imposing healthy boundaries around them to help keep them safe and to teach them as they grow older. They need boundaries that are tight when they’re young (“don’t let go of my hand in the parking lot”) and less constraining as they get older (“we expect you back home by 11:00.”) My children live with a healthy level of fear of the consequences of crossing the boundaries I set. I don’t mean a fear that they could get hurt by me, but more like a “you better listen when dad says something, because if you don’t, he’ll make you clean his bathroom every day for a week” kind of fear.

The First Time Obedience crowd is missing that healthy mixture of love and fear. Their methods are dangerous. And by the way, no where in scripture do you find anything that will support their methods.

I want to win my child’s heart. And if I look at my own life, my Heavenly Father didn’t win my heart because I fear Him. I do, but what led me to a life of obedience (trying to!) was an intense love for God and Christ. His love for me led to His sacrifice which led to my forgiveness. And it wasn’t until I grasped the meaning of grace (undeserved forgiveness) that I felt my love for God grow in my heart. This passionate love led me to obedience.

Oh…. In case you’re interested. Here’s the hardest part for a parent to swallow. You ready?

There’s only one thing that your child needs to grasp how much you love them.

You sure you're ready?

Lot's of time.

Happy Mother's Day

This one is for the best, most beautiful mommy in the whole world. Some random thoughts… the rest of you just have to bear with me.

Thank you for your sacrifice.

Thank you for all the nights you get up to comfort a crying child or dispense a dose of medicine.

Thank you for all the diapers you change.

And the meals you cook.

And the tidy, clean house you keep.

Thank you for running a home with a tight budget and helping make it work.

Thank you for your vision.

And your heart.

Thank you for making me go to all those John Rosemond seminars.

Thank you for reading book after book on parenting to try and learn more about something we had no clue about! (And for not pestering me to read them too but having the patience as you waited for me to catch up.)

Thank you for being a teacher.

Thank you for standing up for something you believed in even when it seemed the whole world was against you.

Thank you for the hard work you put into wanting to help and encourage other moms.

Thank you for all the Creative Memory albums that I give you a hard time about but then sit and go through and get all teary eyed.

Thank you for so many years of memories.

Thank you for saving just enough of yourself so that at the end of the day you make me feel like the best person in the world.

Thank you Marybeth…

Two Roosters in One Henhouse

No one could have ever prepared me for this. Teenagers that is.

Tonight was one of those nights when our 15 year old went from 0-120 mph in about 2.1 seconds. The words just fly out of his mouth like he's demon possesed. You feel sortof helpless in those moments as a parent cause you know they're about to "wreck the car," and sure enough, despite all your emphatic warnings, bam! right over the cliff. And as you peer over the edge to see if they're still alive, they've gotten out of the car and are shaking their fist at you blaming you for the accident!

I think the parent / teen relationship is even more strained with a man who's oldest is a teenage boy, especially as that boy grows into his man sized body. My oldest is now 6'2" and 155 lbs. It's like I have another man living in my house who thinks he can tell me how "this" and "that" are going to be. A friend of mine compares it to two roosters living in the same henhouse - both fighting for control. I'm pretty stubborn and don't take well to that.

Tonight was no exception. Something pretty major came up and despite the warnings from both my wife and I, he continued to argue his point. And the thing about a teenager, when they're not getting what they want, they've gotten smart enough and lived with you long enough to know just what to say to hurt you. They can dig deep.

Tonight didn't end well. I had to stand my ground and he left to go to his room extremely angry and letting us all know.

But the other thing I'm learning about teenagers is that under that layer of thick skin is still a child at heart who needs his daddy to care for him. I was ticked and didn't want to speak to him again that night. Honestly, I was extremely angry and wanted to give him a piece of my mind.

But after a little while, God got through to me the way that He tends to do. I heard the simple questions in my head. "Curt, have you ever lost your temper? Have you ever said something you regretted? Have you ever wronged me? How do I respond Curt? Did I stretch out my arms for you Curt? How wide and how deep was my forgiveness?"

And of course the only thing left for me to do at that point was to go upstairs into his dark room and sit on the edge of his bed and spread my arms out and wrap him up in a big hug. And all the anger and ugly words between us were washed away.

The hardest thing for me as a parent is to get off of my "first time obedience" stance and demonstrate grace and forgiveness to my teenager (and my other children for that matter.) But if it took God's love and forgiveness to break through into my heart, why would my son be any different? Won't it take a lifetime of demonstrating to him the grace and forgiveness that I was given?

What the heck was his problem?

I had to go to a meeting today at a jobsite in Hickory. I sell commercial air conditioning products and I had a customer who was in the process of closing out a job at a medical facility. One of the three units had an unexpected failure.

After going over what happened with our technical staff, I was prepared to meet with this guy and reassure him that the unit was easily repairable and would operate as new. I had even cleared with my manager to offer the building owner a five year parts and labor warranty as a good will gesture (instead of the standard one year.)

But in the meeting, the building owner looked me in the eye and called the equipment a "lemon." He wanted a new unit. Nothing more, nothing less. End of story. Get out of my office.

Granted, I was a bit ticked when I left. But I shook my head and wondered why the owner had just done what he had done. He traded a five year guarentee on his existing unit just to prove a point. His pride and desire for power and control got in the way of thinking rationally about the situation and gave up something of value just to make his point. What a jerk.

Course, driving back from Hickory I realized that I'm just like him. I shake my fist at God and demand it now. I want my problem solved, "Now!" I want relief, "Now!" I don't care what You might be trying to tell me, I want You to do it my way. My pride and lack of patience are my achilles heel.

God's not like me (obviously.) He doesn't get upset and quietly call me bad names like I wanted to do this guy. He's got something much better for me then what my feeble brain thinks should happen. He's trying to teach me patience. He wants to blow me away with an answer that I wasn't even expecting! I think He just smiles and pats me on the back. He knows I'll eventually figure it out.

Why a blog called "Love for the Prodigal?"

I've struggled most of my life with reaching out to God with outstretched arms ready to walk in obedience and faith. The questions and fears I have are many. Can I quit pretending? Can I bring an honest heart and full confession of my past to God? What do I do with my shame?

What I do know is that it's time to pick myself up, turn towards my Father, and start my journey home.

I am the prodigal. Without my Father, I live a empty, dirty, hungry, thirsty, cold, scary life. But when I turn to Him with my broken heart, I find my Father standing right behind me. He came looking for me. Not only has he been watching the horizon praying for my return, but He is my savior who followed me into my ugly world.

He came to find me.

And now as I begin my journey home, He walks with me and He talks with me.

I'm beginning to understand how much He loves me.